s you may have gathered by now ,
I prefer men larger than myself .
A weight over 240 pounds is nice .
Meat or muscle , it doesn't matter .
As long as this ol' Dog has something
to sink his remaining canines into .
I'm no stranger to playing with lighter blokes ,
but I think they were all four foot tall !
'm absolutely not into cyber-sex ,
electrons don't do anything for me sexually .
And if you're into phone sex ,
you need to call somebody !
It's either the real thing , or no thing !
lease don't bore me with that dating crap ,
I ain't no damn teenager !
If you're good ,
then you can tell me your name !
To avoid empowering each other ,
I'd rather you do me in a neutral setting ,
like behind the bushes .
I have no desire to go to your house
and see your friggin' unicorn collection ,
that would surely take the lead out of my pencil !
And you damn sure ain't comin' to my house..
n a first or second romp ,
I would like to remain strictly oral .
In fact , I'll turn down a slab of ass
for a purdy set of jowls anyday !
Like some ol' grampa , I'd like to
get to know ya before I hoe ya ,
my hog is too damn purdy to bust up into
some stranger's stanky ol' sh!t hole .
I wouldn't want to contract anything unpleasant ,
like your phone number !
gotta warn you though ,
my ejaculatory stew is more than ample !
Too many times I've choked some unfortunate soul ,
and seeing my load returned through someone's nose
is not a pretty sight !
Boy , that has got to burn !
But I'm thankful that in my old age ,
the amount , duration and force is somewhat less ,
when I was a young buck
I never got my security deposit back ,
because of the stuctural damages incurred
during some of my more lonlier nights .
No fuss , no muss
~ discretion ~
~ big fat wrists ~
~ silent types ~
~ big jaws ~
~ nice hands ~
~ good grooming habits ~
~ pack o' hot dogs ~
~ nice skin color ~
~ skinny legs ~
~ gnawed-off fingernails ~
~ scraggly-ass beards ~
~ screamers ~
~ visible ribs or other bones ~
~ paranoia ~
~ ugly eyes ~
~ stank breath ~
~ stuffed animals ~
~ wimmen haters ~
~ small feet ~
coming soon
here's always that certain phrase that gives away
a Bubba's sexual leaning .
You can recant a dramatic story about a tragic
automobile accident victim to some fag ,
and his ubiquitous reply would most likely be :
" Well , how big was his dick ? "
I'm not being condencending , my reply would probably be :
" Uh ... How much did he weigh ? "
To each his own , but try to remember that
everyone's largest sex organ is his or hers brain !
ou may be judgemental about anonymous sex ,
but the notion of two perfect strangers
being as intimate as humanly possible ,
freaks my old ass out ! In a good way !
A chance to taste another soul's deepest psyche
without even knowing their name is quite a privilege !
40 % of America's truckers can't be wrong !
No name , no shame t seems like every common Fag has a list of
his sexual turn-ons and turn-offs on their site ,
so I might as well join the shallowness , eh ?
no tounge-waggin' tattle-tales
everybody likes big arms , no exception here
let's have sex , not a monologue , ok ?
if you got something to say , go write a book
the bigger the jowls , the better the blow job
you can ask my friends , i am really freaky about this
how am i supposed to nibble on your lobes , with those
four foot long ear-hairs wrapped around my head ?
those loveable rolls on the back of a big guy's head .
a mouth-piece for me when this top-dog turns into a tom-cat
on a caucasian man ,
the elmer's™ glue look is not very becoming .
it breaks my tiny heart to see a hunky white boy
so translucent , you can see his inner organs .
ever see a workin' man's big brown arm
hangin' out the window of his truck ,
his arm hair bleached by the sun ?
now that's what i'm talkin' about , g !
alas , i suffer form the same malady ,
i think the audubon society is lookin' for us
don't even try to paw me with those mutilated meathooks
i love facial hair ,
and i believe in one's right to
appear anyway one wants to ,
but didn't your dad teach you
anything about grooming ?
i see so many good-lookin' bears
who insist on marring their attraction
by having a stork's nest rooted on their mug .
at least run a brush through it , skank .
hey , why don't you grow foot-long
fingernails to complete your look ?
ok parvarotti , exit stage right...
town criers went out a century ago
visions of a jew in germany circa 1942 .
would you like a bite of my sammich , ms. frank ?
i don't care if that cop is watching us ,
if you would't be driving in endless circles
around the park with that gay pride bumper sticker
on your little white dodge neon ,
you wouldn't have anything to worry about !
besides , i'll doin' him after
i get through with you , ok bitch ?
a rare condition , but look away , look away , dixie land
only acceptable after you eat my ass
aww damn , i thought i was gonna get to do a man
we all know it's just vagina envy
but don't you know that if it weren't for women ,
and the men who love 'em ,
none of us would be here
i don't read anything phallic into feet size ,
small feet on a big guy just ain't right ,
especially if they're stupid enough to
make it look worse by wearing
those pointy little loafers .
sometimes i just don't understand the world...
ude , I must be gettin' old .
Sex seems more and more like work nowadays ,
except I don't get paid for it......anymore .
And all those damn hassles just to get laid .
You know what I mean . Like because so many
desperate fuckers feel the need to write
nasty shit on bathroom walls , all the good
cruisin' places are getting busted , that sucks .
And God only knows what suprises lurk at some
prospective trick's house , like weird smells ,
bizarre kitchens and bathrooms , and mangy pets
makin' noise and tryin' to jump all over you .
Is it worth your valuable time and gas money ?
And now you gotta worry about catchin' something
that a quick trip tp the Heath Clinic won't cure .
What about cruising some Stud of a Man for hours ,
then you think you've hit jackpot , till he
or is wearing pantyhose underneath his jeans .
Or they're into something inane like wanting
you to take a big shit on 'em , it happens .
Fuck it , I'm starting to see why some Blokes
wanna do that monogamy thing , bless 'em .
I think I'll just go get comfy , turn on my mind ,
and go jack off , i's a lot less trouble ,
and my fantasy provides better quality sex
than you ever could hope to provide .
Then I can use my own bathroom , go in
my kitchen and make myself a killer sandwich .
Plus I don't have to smell your stanky breath . 
o , bud , if you think you can scratch my itch ,
give me a holler , e-mail me ,
or otherwise make yourself known ,
I swear I won't tell my boyfriend , and
chances are I've already had your ol' bones anyways !
Or at least your Dad's...
not what you think , these will be tales
of some freaky-ass situations i've gotten myself into
all in the name of gettin' off .
