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was born in Bourne , Massachusetts
on the 10th of March in 1958 ,
to your typical dysfunctional couple .
My parents' early divorce was inevitable ,
and my Mother mercifully was awarded custody
of my brother and I .
We lived in downtown Boston 'til my ripe age of seven .
Then we migrated to Germany ,
my Mother's unbeloved Vaterland ,
where I continued my uneventful childhood .

ll modesty aside , during my grammar school days ,
I was somewhat of a low-end child prodigy .
At a very early age I was drawing ,
writing prose and visiting stuffy museums ,
my growing schnazz always buried deep in books .
Each semester my teachers would call upon my mother ,
begging her to enroll me in a school for gifted children ,
speculating that I would one day become
bored with school and end up as a bum .
Since my single working Mother always
lacked spare funds for such a folly ,
their predictions sadly became true .

i'm on the left , about age 7 .
my porky brother looks terrified , while i look like
i'm tryin' to cruise this most desirable of dudes .
which kid wouldn't think that santa would be the ultimate daddy ?
hey brother , step off , it's my turn to sit on his lap .

y very first sexual encounter
with another human being awkwardly occured
when I was 16 years old in , of all places ,
a men's public restroom in a park .
Some things never change...

fter graduating High School ,
I finally returned to
this great country .
Nothing could prepare me for that culture shock !
I've made my roots in balmy Florida ,
where I've resided ever since .
My tired old Father and sea-hag of a Mother
spawned a total of four sons and one daughter ,
of which I am the oldest and possibly the wisest .
Those wacky breeders ! Ya just gotta love 'em !

etween the time I moved back to America ,
and the present time , a buncha shit happened ,
like get my ass kicked because I'm a fag .
Things happen to all of us , but this
is supposed to be 'a short bio' , remember ?

urrently I live on two beautiful acres ,
in the Florida Alps , a dizzying 200 feet above sea level ,
overlooking the heart of Redneck County .
The Boonies , to be precise .
I'm poor , and I ain't got a bit of sense .
Like any other respectable ol' stanky Dog ,
I love grubbin' around in the yard .
It's a way of life...

Occupation ?
Player Slayer !
Seriously , I come from a long proud line
of lazy old school slackers and losers .
I've done it all , from truckin' to pluckin' .
But as millions of other Americans can attest ;
work friggin' sucks !
In my baggy eyes , work is an incredible drain
on human spirit and creativity .
But enough of that downward spiral....

ea , I'm a real fuckin' Rebel .
I got enough balls to prop my filthy work boots
right on top o' your mamma's brand new coffee table .
I'm probably the rascal you've seen
pickin' his snout at the red light
and I relish tearin' the tags off mattresses .
But I do have a soft side .
In fact , I'd probably let you suck my fat hog ,
just to help a fellow bud out , of course...

sport no tattoos nor piercings ,
this old Dog has quite enough
holes and discolorations , thank you !
I remain physically natural and neutral ,
and prefer my Men likewise ,
just the way we squished outta our mommas' cooter..

cuz daddy needs the money