ookin' for a Mutt to snag , Mr. Dogcatcher ?
I seriously don't expect to meet
any poor soul via this site ,
but for me a man's gotta have

stand up for yourself , and at least have a photon of wit

know when to say 'please' and 'thank you , sir .'

and above all ,

word up...

ep , even this jaded ol' Coot has yet
a few heart-strings left to be plucked .
I like my men as I do my pets and my vehicles :
Lowest possible maintenance !
I never have the time nor patience to
indlulge in your bitchin' and whinin' ,
so deaf-mutes are a plus !
I'm definitely not a domestic type ,
the only thing you'll ever see me cleaning
is your clock !
If you insist on lockin' me up in the Kennel ,
at the very least know how to whip up a sammich ,
and wash the damn knife you spread the mayo with !

ther than that , I'm very low maintenance .
I see 'Wining and Dining' as pretentious ,
a veritable insult to my tax bracket ,
whereas a burger on the beach goes beyond all .
If showering with gifts is your way of wooing ,
the price tag better say 'clearance' on it ,
that gives me a warm , fuzzy feeling inside .
I don't seek others to provide my happiness ,
and am kinda non-materialistic .
The warmth and water that falls from the sky
are more valuable to me than
a pair of brand new work boots !
So , don't try to impress my old ass
with how much salary you've sold your soul for ,
or how much crap you've greedily amassed .
This Dog don't play dat !
I'se be po'.....by freedom of choice .
In fact , I'm probably the poorest-ass nigga
you ever did see, so don't ever be expecting
any sugar , Daddy .

he most important thing you can offer me is
my damn space , and great quantities of it !
I need my peace and quiet , tout le temp .
The best way too get rid of my
ne'er-do-well ass is to cling , cling , cling .
If you want to win my heart me forever ,
keep your damn mouth shut ,
win the lottery , and write me once in a while .

hough black and shriveled like a raisin ,
there so much room in my heart .
I can love more than one , more than twenty
men at the same time , ain't it great ?
Truthfully , I don't even have to be anywhere
near your stanky old ass to love you .
There's space in my ticker for all !
Heck , I don't even have to know you
to love you , that's how much love I have .
You're all God's chilluns , and I'm God !

et I can be a hopeless romantic ,
I can't seem to resist sweet nothings
like a 300 pound trucker grumblin' :
" Ya want some of this , punk ? "
Or a sincere gesture like offerin' me
an Altoid™ for my stank dog-breath !
A R F !

elp me out , Bud , clue me in ;
I've been through plenty of personals , and
almost every fucker lists their interests as
"Camping" , "Hiking" , and/or "Fishing" .
Shit , Dude , there just ain't enough
campgrounds , trails or bodies of water
for all us Homos , you damn Liar !
That leaves me a little curious .
Does 'camping' mean being campy ?
Does 'hiking' include marching to the salon ?
And the only things I've seen you 'fish' for
are compliments and dicks !
I was just a-wonderin'....

pposites attract !
I'm attracted to big o' men-folk
who are not only physically my opposite ,
but also are mentally unlike me .
I find responsibility a very desirable trait ,
because this damn Dog doesn't have a lick of it !
My rent is always late , I am never punctual ,
and I lack the abilty to answer to anyone .
In all honesty , if it has to do with currency ,
time , or any other subject that involves digits ,
you can count me out !
I can fanthom the concept of light years ,
spacetime , and the inner workings of the atom ,
but to send a payment in on time eludes my grasp ...

hough I find bigger Guys attractive ,
there are some paradoxes involved .
They're warm , cuddly and comforting ,
but invaribly they look better clothed .
I'm cursed by being somewhat of a Chaser ,
because in general , their sedentary
life-styles slowly begin to disgust me ,
but I guess that's how they got so big !
Watching TV and eatin' all day is the norm ,
but I only can put up with that shit a few days ,
especially if I have feelings for them .
I can snuggle happily among a Chubby Bub ,
but to hear his strained wheezing next to me
makes my dick shrink up inside me .
I swear I won't even get into the turn-off
of witnessing the struggle of a Big Guy
attempting to put on his shoes .
And that fucking loud-ass snoring shit !
Damn , what's a Man to do ?

arriage is a concept for strong Folk .
I've tried it and denied it more than thrice .
There is much to be gained by being partnered ,
like such things as companionship ,
a semi-reliable sex source , food on the table ,
co-dependency , and a daily local scapegoat .
Everything has it's costs , and so ,
as a compromise , much is also lost
in your typical dysfuntional partnership .
I tend to lose the things that are
selfishly the most valuble to me .
My time , my time alone , and my time to myself
are some of the things that go out the window .
I also have to mourn my loss of privacy ,
my peace and quiet , and all importantly ,
my time alone , and my time to myself .
Am I making myself clear ?
I also have too many interests in life ,
and I've given up the hope that I will ever find
someone whom I could share at least some of them
with , plus be physically attracted to
and make a killer sandwich on demand .
Ya just can't have it all .
~ sigh ~

eople say that 'Love' is not the same as
'Being in Love' , and they're right .
One mostly follows the other .
One is full of emotional sensations ,
the other seems like an expected by-product ,
'Being in Love' is like eatin
some delicious exciting exotic meal ,
plain ol' 'Love' is like takin'
a really good shit sometime afterward .

ove can be so damn beautiful and fulfilling ,
but is often haunted by that big green monster ,
J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y ! Yuk !
I's a disgusting trip , enough to make
even Aristotle lose all his logic .
People have actually been killed over this !
That shit continues freaks me out !
We all know of couples who's only fuel
of their relationship is mistrust .
Yep , the only reason they stay together
is that someday they might have the joy of
catching one fuckin' around on the other !
That's sicker than being a pedophile .
If you love someone , then you just
gotta love their cheatin' heart ,
it's a genuine part of them , right ?
My motto :'As long as you come home to Daddy'
And those who can't trust , can't be trusted .
If you can see yourself as an adult ,
then maybe you can realise that :
You do not , and never will , own anybody !
Especially me , Bitch !